Under a Bushel

Shortz Cuts + Spoonerisms

Sigh. Unfortunately true to form, Will Shortz selected exclusively male entries to read aloud in his January 2012 creative wordplay challenge yet again [see post just below this one]. I received this comment directly from him: “the overwhelming number of entries come from men rather than women, so you shouldn’t expect a 50/50 outcome.” I’ve already granted greater numbers from men as being plausible, but that shouldn’t preclude any woman ever winning one of his special wordplay challenges — or from being read aloud as a runner-up at the very least! My guess is, like myself, female participants have continually dropped out, not bothering to submit their creations knowing it will be only men who are read and will win in the end.

He also noted to me and said on Sunday’s program that he asked his staff’s opinion of his entry choices, but how many options were they shown to choose from and, more importantly, were they also given creations by women for comparison, or just the male runners-up he selected? It is encouraging Shortz asked for any supporting opinion at all since he clearly stated in both the January 15th and January 22nd programs that winning and runner-up entries would be based on his decision alone. On the other hand, it is truly discouraging if his staff all agreed on this rather lame entry — “The Nanny Lost All My Children” — as the most clean+clever offering to his TV title wordplay challenge. I mean, really?!

Ladies out there, I hope you are still challenging your minds with his puzzles and posting them somewhere if only to friends and relatives. Consider it the program’s loss, not yours, and keep on proving Hitchens and Shortz wrong! Since I’m posting his puzzle challenges here anyway [see my one already at http://kat330.posterous.com/my-famous-people-palindromes-per-sundays-npr], I figured I’d go back to post some wordplay I submitted before I even started this space in late 2010. Here below then are my creations submitted to NPR’s “Weekend Edition Sunday” in July 2010. Shortz’ listener challenge was to create clever Spoonerisms in answer to a “What’s the difference between…” setup:

What’s the difference between a fish dinner and half a lobster?
One has coleslaw and the other a sole claw.

What’s the difference between a garage and the speed of woo?
One has a parking space and the other a sparking pace.

What’s the difference between a skillet and a stalker?
One is a frying pan and the other a prying fan.

What’s the difference between golf attire and a mad dash?
One’s a sport shirt and the other a short spurt.

What’s the difference between a place to stage dive and a diva’s sequined glove?
One is a mosh pit and the other a posh mitt.

What’s the difference between a charity and a lump in the throat?
One is a positive cause and the other a causative pause.

What’s the difference between a gunslinger saloon and a Tupperware party?
One has a hitching post and the other a pitching host.

What’s the difference between a southern sport on the sea and a northern pick for VP?
One is parasailin’ and the other Sarah Palin.

What’s the difference between a slumber party and a bachelor party?
One might be a tickle fest and the other might be a fickle test.

What’s the difference between a sucker and a casino dealer?
One is hard candy and the other is card handy.

What’s the difference between a tycoon and a playboy?
One has money bags and the other has Bunny mags.

What’s the difference between a life trainer and a trained assassin?
One offers coping skills and the other is scoping kills.

What’s the difference between an illusionist and a drunk driver?
One does magic tricks and the other is a tragic mix.

Puzzling Why Will Shortz Women

Where there’s Will, there’s no way? At least I’ve personally never heard a creative challenge puzzle submitted by a woman ever declared a winner—or even acknowledged a runner-up—when chosen by Will Shortz and aired on NPR’s “Weekend Edition Sunday.” Now I’m sure I’ve missed some names of his subjectively selected champs over the years, but rarely in recent years; and, in my experience, I’ve heard only clearly male names ascribed to creative entries he personally picks and reads aloud.

Even given a greater number of male submissions (if that’s so), that zero result for females over the years seems inexplicably skewed. Maybe Mr. Shortz agrees with Christopher Hitchens that women just can’t be funny, witty or even clever? Maybe it deserves deeper analysis. I surely don’t know but, instead of submitting entries under a gender-neutral alias, I’ve decided to post my creations here exclusively now whenever I try my hand at one of his wordplay challenges. I’d love it if my temporary “boycott” acts as some sort of anti-jinx, so that one of these Sundays soon—maybe even the one upcoming!—I’ll finally hear a fellow female named as Will’s winner.

So here are my offerings pertaining to his current (January 15, 2012) creative challenge: String together titles of television shows to form sensible sentences. He asked that the show titles be better known ones and that adherence to proper syntax is a key attribute. He noted he’ll read his picks on January 29th:

That Girl, The Office Gossip Girl, Lost 24 Bosom Buddies According to Jim; Now New Girl Numb3rs 30-Something Extra Friends.

Dateline Jersey Shore, Unforgettable Police Story: Miami Vice Cops Lost Prison Break Numb3rs Person of Interest, A Man Called Hawk, The Fugitive Prime Suspect Now Missing Without a Trace; Saved by the Bell, Family Survivor (Charlie Rose) Beat the Clock Caged Up All Night, Raising Hope Brothers and Sisters Stay Lucky Hidden Six Feet Under.

Up All Night Moonlighting, Charlie Rose Extra Lost, Grimm—Once Upon a Time A Gifted Man Now Keeping Up Appearances—Breaking Bad One Day at a Time To Tell the Truth.

Father Knows Best Life Rules of Engagement: Get Smart, Chuck The Paper Chase, Wipeout The Wire, Smash Secrets and Lies The F.B.I. Files, Expose Hidden Body of Proof, Follow the Sun, Race to Save the Planet, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Get a Life, Love Thy Neighbour, Access Hollywood Star, Search Lost Friends, Touch Unforgettable New Girl, House The Good Wife, Live to Dance, MASH Up All Night, Stay Lucky!

My Famous People Palindromes Per Sunday’s NPR Puzzle

[* begins and ends the actual palindrome to distinguish from any explanatory text]

Category = Long & Poetic (by

* stressed star, Depp) Art: A Tone Poem / Time knits lives’ tab / A wolf-ewe flow / A bat’s evil stink emit / “Me ‘ope not a trapped rat’s desserts!” *

[Quoth Jack Sparrow, “Nevermore!”]

###################################

Category = Multiple Famous Names

* “Geordi, as Levar Burton, did not rub Ravel,” said Roeg. *

* Oh (nod) no! Levar Burton did not rub Ravel on Don Ho! *

* Now Edison, no Tesla. Usual set on, no side won. *

########################################

Category = Headlines, or Short but not Sweet

* Now Edison sees no side won. *

* Bardem: “Me drab” *

* Bacon sub sees bus, no cab. *

* At Sartre’s say, assert Rasta. *

* To Obama, I am a boot. *
or
* Er, Obama, I am a bore. *

* Degeneres did serene GED. *

* Star Depp arts strapped, rats! *

#####################################

Category = All Garbo (her birthday, 9-18, is date Shortz reads winners)

* “You be film!” I’d so brag, ‘til I lit Garbo’s dim life buoy. *

* Garbo’d emote to me, “Do brag! *

* Garbo’s a “sob rag.” *

* To Greta Garbo: Don’t–no, do–brag at ergot. *

* O, brag at, ergo, Greta Garbo. *

* Garbo’s star sees rat’s sob rag. *

* Is Garbo “sob rag”? Si! *

* Do, Greta Garbo – don’t – no, do brag at, er, God. *

######################################

Category = Also-rans & Variations on a Theme
* Not now tressed star, Depp: “Art trapped rat’s dessert wonton.” *

* My, no, Peter Fonda had no fret eponym. *

* So, Peter Fonda had no fret epos. *

* Liam Neeson, emote to me, “No seen mail!” *
* No, Levar Burton did not rub ravel on. *

* Star Levar Burton did not rub Ravel, rats! *
* Oh, no, Levar Burton did not rub Ravel on ho! *

Timely Tag

When it rains, it Standard & Poor’s. — KAM

Flame Retardant [From the K Ching]

If you persevere in fanning lame flame,
you only make ash of yourself.

© KAM Netiquette for an Asocial Network

Kurt and to the Point

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For wampeters and fellow Vonnegut fans:

Sheesh, Bokonon, not another pain in the karass ?!

Yeah, I’m Talking to You

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However far I lower my expectations, disappointment still rises to the occasion.

Whiz Kid

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Poor Richard’s Rung Cycle

When Herr Wagner was no longer young,
Eine Hode was still hardly hung.
As a teen top a ladder,
He emptied his bladder
And slipped off the Götterdämmerung.

Sales Tags

==================

Her bad timing was bottled and sold in Zürich as a novelty item.

He merchandised his issue-waffling, and it sold like hotcakes.

© KAM

From the Ground Up: Can Yew Dig It?

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[I blame the arrival of colorful seed catalogs for fertilizing this full-grown groan fest.]

Gathered lilies, gentian, boysenberry, gorse: Lentil ears, and I shall not beet about the bush. Zucchini cauliflower by any other name, yet thistle not asparagus, nor will it stem, the pain of our currant trees on trial. Though ye artichoke back tears for the fate of Sister Hazel and her betrothed, gourd giveth me a far harder row to hoe. As your Colony Judge and elderberry, I yam certain it escarole I have bean mint to fill. I have mustard the strength and promise to rice to the occasion on the celery thou hast allotted me.

First, lettuce not take radish action rooted in plum hearsay from Farmer Figg lest it is prune fruitless. He has never hidden his corn for Sister Hazel’s plants to marry Brother Bram. But let every mango endive head furrows to find the nettle in the haystack, that last straw, and leaf nothing to chance. Ye shall gingerly pumpkin of the pear to leek barley known facts regarding the chard remains of this full blooming affair. Till there is mulch more dirt to turnip, we butternut squash, nor further soil, our Sister’s good name.

And a fuchsia hearken these sage worts: Now that she cantaloupe, Hazel in her melon collard will be garden against any anemone who spade her home a visit. Verily, this nutmeg half bake torts compost of thorny rhubarbs and rye dandelion to cloud in violet truth here. Sesame, in the fennel analysis, there is still mushroom to gather grist for the mill, to separate the wheat from the chaff, and shallot be sow.

Howsoever, weed well to wait. Less stalk again later, but for now lettuce throw caraway. It is the hour for raisin cane, tubers into hominy ginseng praises to gourd on high! Good morrow and may peas be with thee!

—Judge Juniper Kale