From the Ground Up: Can Yew Dig It?


[I blame the arrival of colorful seed catalogs for fertilizing this full-grown groan fest.]

Gathered lilies, gentian, boysenberry, gorse: Lentil ears, and I shall not beet about the bush. Zucchini cauliflower by any other name, yet thistle not asparagus, nor will it stem, the pain of our currant trees on trial. Though ye artichoke back tears for the fate of Sister Hazel and her betrothed, gourd giveth me a far harder row to hoe. As your Colony Judge and elderberry, I yam certain it escarole I have bean mint to fill. I have mustard the strength and promise to rice to the occasion on the celery thou hast allotted me.

First, lettuce not take radish action rooted in plum hearsay from Farmer Figg lest it is prune fruitless. He has never hidden his corn for Sister Hazel’s plants to marry Brother Bram. But let every mango endive head furrows to find the nettle in the haystack, that last straw, and leaf nothing to chance. Ye shall gingerly pumpkin of the pear to leek barley known facts regarding the chard remains of this full blooming affair. Till there is mulch more dirt to turnip, we butternut squash, nor further soil, our Sister’s good name.

And a fuchsia hearken these sage worts: Now that she cantaloupe, Hazel in her melon collard will be garden against any anemone who spade her home a visit. Verily, this nutmeg half bake torts compost of thorny rhubarbs and rye dandelion to cloud in violet truth here. Sesame, in the fennel analysis, there is still mushroom to gather grist for the mill, to separate the wheat from the chaff, and shallot be sow.

Howsoever, weed well to wait. Less stalk again later, but for now lettuce throw caraway. It is the hour for raisin cane, tubers into hominy ginseng praises to gourd on high! Good morrow and may peas be with thee!

—Judge Juniper Kale

V8 Summit Stumps Beech, preceding 1691 Witch
Hazel trial, at Harvest Festival of Salem, Mass.  © KAM

Def Ignitions 2


Cosmetication: Mood makeup and concealer of the true blue you [E.g.: Nobody likes a sad sack, so go pop a Prozac!]

Concoction: A very big shell sale


Whiz Kid

 Poor Richard’s Rung Cycle

When Herr Wagner was no longer young,
Eine Hode was still hardly hung.
s a teen top a ladder,
   He emptied his bladder

And slipped off the Götterdämmerung.


Sales Tags


Her bad timing was bottled and sold in Zürich as a novelty item.

He merchandised his issue-waffling, and it sold like hotcakes.


Homophonic Composure II

On the Marrakesh Express, it’s easy to spot the loco motive in this train of thought:

My Moroccan friend, Benjam, is smitten
By wanderlust, thus I have written:
   Segovia Spain,
   Khachaturian train,
'Ere long you'll be, Benjam, in Britten.

                                     © KAM

Kicking off 2011 with a bang

Very cheeky, yes, but hardly homophobic. It’s purely homophonic pun funning in this second nod to silver-quilled Will. Shakespeare scholars know what a big-time bawdster he was the Bard was also the Bawd of Avon and he’d appreciate a limerick chock-a-block with references to his work. So while Sarah would, William would never “refudiate” the rhyme below. And while any major dude would probably post without preface or apology, I’m a lass and alack that male cockiness. For better or verse, it is my asterisk and as graphic as it gets here.

Shakespeare Innuendo

'Twas a pederast faerie named Puck
Picked the Titus Snug Bottom to f*ck
   And by prick in that bum,
Did this wicked way come;

But his Love’s Labour’s Lost, cuz he’s stuck!


Shine On

When finally their minds’ eyes met, it was love at second sight.


Handel’s Bar

The result of some nasty Bartok

Was a Mahler’s Fauré Offenbach.
   “Now aren’t these Menotti,”
   Said Handel Scarlatti,
"Haydn these Sessions in Bach!"


Nashville Kat

My country cousin, Twavis Twit, and his bluegrass band, Ear Juice, asked me for some song ideas the other day. I came up with these:

Stop Scrapin’ the Scab Off My Healin’ Heart, Honey 

Hardheaded Against Hard Hearts

I’d Rather Be a Recluse Than Be a Loose Wreck

The Angels Wanna Wear My Blue Suede Shoes

 © KAM

Eine Kleine Nacht Fugue

Sprach die junge Frau Bach to her spouse:
Ich krank of your fugueing heraus;
   Mach your fugueing herein,
   Und maybe you’ll find
Some more kleinen Bachs in den Haus!”